Browns Football

A recent ESPN news alert said that AFC North teams aren’t ready to concede the division title to Baker Mayfield and the Cleveland Browns. The author isn’t sure why that was breaking news.

Just because you go on vacation for two weeks doesn’t mean your phone got the memo.

It’s a smart phone and all, but apparently not THAT smart.

DUH-DUH-DUH … DUH-DUH-DUH!

SPORTS! Here I am to pass along this important breaking news about SPORTS!

Clippers add Kawhi Leonard, Paul George

Whoa. This really is some big news. Leonard is quieter than the offertory hymn at a librarian’s funeral, but he also may be the Godfather. Because this cat runs the whole operation.

No NBA player had a better overall season than Kawhi. He transformed Toronto from flawed contender to world beater, he made one of the most memorable buzzer-beaters in league history with a shot that waited in line at the DMV before dropping, and then he delivered the scene-stealing climax to the wildest offseason in memory.

Oh, and somehow he managed to convince Oklahoma City to trade Paul George, an under-contract superstar, to the Clips as his tag team partner. Crazy.

DUH-DUH-DUH … DUH-DUH-DUH!

SPORTS! You don’t want to miss this SPORTS! Update from the world of SPORTS!

What went wrong for Bryce Harper, other missing All-Stars from 2018

Um, OK. Guys’ stats wax and wane like Daniel-San in Mr. Miyagi’s backyard. Not sure that’s a news flash.

Harper, the 26-year-old slugger who has been a household name since his high school days, really hasn’t been that bad in his first year with the Phillies. He’s hitting .253 with 53 runs, 16 home runs, 62 RBIs and an .839 OPS. Those are respectable numbers.

Of course, when you lock a guy down with a record-breaking $330 million contract, you probably want more than respectable. Anyway …

DUH-DUH-DUH … DUH-DUH-DUH!

SPORTS! I just startled you from your walk to baggage claim so that you could get this most-important development from SPORTS!

Inside Tottenham’s summer spending: Ndombele the first signing in their quest for Premier League title

OK, ESPN. Now you’re just spitting out words that don’t make any sense. Did my phone switch languages on me? I didn’t even leave the country.

I understand that there is an ever-growing population of soccer mavens in America, but the day I start caring about the English Premier League (I’m not even going to look that up, just taking a shot in the dark that I’m right) is the day my friends and family should get me checked for signs of dementia.

DUH-DUH-DUH … DUH-DUH-DUH!

SPORTS! Don’t you dare try to nap on me! You only thought you turned your phone on silent. Aren’t you glad you didn’t? Otherwise you’d miss out on this vital bit of information about SPORTS!

Pit error leaves Supercars team boss upset

Yeesh. These alerts are definitely not tailor-made to the alertee. About the only thing that would make the English Premier League less watch-able for this particular fan would be to put the soccer players in cars and make them turn left for three hours.

It does beg the question, though. What are Supercars? Is that the next Avenger movie? Is George Jetson a NASCAR team owner now? Was Supercars the sponsor for Stroker Ace after the deal with Clyde Torkel’s chicken fell through?

This is already more time I cared to spend on this topic. As clickbait goes, I’m not biting.

DUH-DUH-DUH … DUH-DUH-DUH!

SPORTS! Just when you thought you were free, we pull you back in with this earth-shattering, seismic shift of your view of SPORTS!

Despite buzz about Browns, rivals aren’t ready to concede AFC North

Oh, really? You’re telling me that the Ravens, Steelers and Bengals aren’t just going to lie down and let Cleveland win the division? You know, the same Cleveland Browns who have made two playoff trips in the past 25 years, the same Browns who have a .309 winning percentage since returning to the NFL in 1999. Shocking.

Clearly, the Browns are on the rise. Odell Beckham Jr. gives Baker Mayfield a legit No. 1 target. Myles Garrett carries the pedigree of a future NFL Defensive Player of the Year. Not sure I would have bothered with the hefty baggage of Kareem Hunt, but he’s a high-risk, high-reward backfield option.

Nevertheless, I’m less than surprised that Ben Roethlisberger and Lamar Jackson and Andy Dalton haven’t preemptively waved the white flag of surrender.

DUH-DUH-DUH … DUH-DUH-DUH!

Make way for SPORTS! Clear some space for SPORTS! Get your appetite whet for SPORTS!

Rapinoe: It’s ‘ridiculous’ that men’s finals are scheduled for same day as Women’s World Cup Final

OK, that seals it.

Can some millennial out there please help me halt all the ESPN notifications? I think I’m informed enough.

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