I have been blind for so long. It took me a long time, but I finally figured it all out. As I was looking at Facebook postings the other day, shaking my head at all the seemingly ridiculous stuff people put on there about politics, it suddenly dawned on me. The scales fell from my eyes and I wept at the freedom that washed over me.

We no longer live in a world of objective truth or even verifiable truth. In a world of alternative facts and fake news, we are now free to make it all up as we go. No longer do we need to hunt down sources or even get both sides of the story. All that matters is we put stuff out that has a modicum of plausibility, such as 2015’s Jade Helm narrative about President Obama employing our troops and martial law to take over the country. That was a big summertime hit even our governor helped legitimize.

I’ve therefore decided to create a new website dedicated to my new-found freedom. It will be called “nostinkinfacts.com” and, as a sample of what you can find there, I offer three samples of new news in our new age.

  • Donald Trump the vampire:
  • A senior White House official who asked to not be named for this story has confirmed what has been rumored for some time in our nation’s capital. Donald Trump is a vampire. “I’m not talking about the romantic, angst-driven vampires of “Twilight” fame, but more Bela Lugosi, Bram Stoker vampires,” the source said. “He has his own coffin in the Lincoln bedroom and only comes out at night. The real reason he ran for the presidency is so he can gain control of the nation’s blood banks.”

This source, as well as others who can’t be named, confirmed that Trump’s vampire transformation took place during a visit to Russia several years ago. The reputed sex tape with Trump is in reality a tape of how he became a vampire. It’s all tied into Putin’s seeking to gain control of the world.

“Of course, Putin is a vampire,” the source confirmed. “Look at his photos. The guy never ages. He turned beautiful young Russian women into vampires who then seduce certain Western bigwigs and convert them into vampires themselves, all ultimately under Putin’s control.”

When asked how it is Trump is able to be seen in the daytime, the source stated that the daytime Trump is really a very sophisticated robot developed by the KGB toward the fall of the Soviet Union. “John Major, former prime minister of the United Kingdom, was the first Soviet robot to become a head of state. Watching tapes of that time, it’s easy to see that Major was a robot, not nearly as sophisticated as the current models.”

  • Obama plots overthrow of government:
  • Barack Obama is secretly planning a military overthrow of the U.S. government. This was confirmed during a meeting Obama had with fellow plotters, according to a secret video recording from an Apple phone smuggled into the meeting.

According to the tape, Obama has been working with the United Nations and the Kenyan military to bring elite troops from around the world into the United States within the next few months. The troops, currently training at Guantanamo Bay, will enter the United States by crossing secretly across the Mexican border. The troops will gather at abandoned Walmarts across the country and attack during July 4 celebrations. Obama can be heard on the tape saying the Kenyans are more than happy to help one of their native-born sons become ruler of the world.

Obama’s plan: Arrest Trump, Vice President Mike Pence, other key government officials and Bill and Hillary Clinton. Obama can be heard on the tape saying: “The only thing the Republicans got right in the last election is when they were chanting, ‘Lock her up!’”

  • Netanyahu, Saudi prince plot against Iran:
  • Sources have disclosed Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has been in secret talks with key Saudi officials to set off a dirty bomb near the Dome of the Rock in Jerusalem and blame it on Iran. The purpose is to unite all Sunni Muslims in a jihad against Iran and take some pressure off Israel. Ultimately, the Saudis will insist that Iran be settled by the Palestinians, thus freeing Israel to complete its conquest of the East Bank (or is it the West Bank? Does it matter?) and the Gaza Strip.

See how fun it is to be rid of facts and objectivity? All these stories could be floating around on the Internet, allowing each reader to come to his or her own conclusions. After all, isn’t the mantra of this new age: “We report, you decide”?

Glynn Beaty is a local attorney and pastor.