While the president rages tweets about Special Counsel Robert Mueller daring to say out loud what Mueller already wrote, a longer-term war rages for the soul of our country. The front lines are in places like Louisiana, Missouri and Alabama. States are succeeding at what Cher could only sing about: “If I could turn back time, if I could find a way.”
We’re unimpressed. Why simply revert to the pre-Roe v. Wade days of the government being able to regulate women’s bodies when we could go back 3,000 years? We hear a lot of talk from abortion protestors about God’s wishes on the matter, so why not actually implement them? After all, with one of us born in Alabama and the other in Texas, we often heard the Bible should be taken literally. No more settling for stringing together a verse here about God knowing someone in the womb with another one entirely elsewhere about “shall not kill.”
At first blush, the task appears harder than it really is. While ancient Greeks such as Plato and Aristotle expressed views on abortion, we are disadvantaged by Jesus and St. Paul not considering related practices going on in the Roman Empire worthy of specific reference. Given their complete silence on abortion, we are left to turn to the Old Testament. Time for Congress and all state legislatures to surrender their half-hearted theocratic tendencies and enact these:
1. Paternity testing: Relying on the fifth chapter of Numbers, we can eliminate all that DNA silliness and instead use a God-blessed method for proving “who’s your daddy.” Have the mother drink a concoction including dust from the church floor. If it’s her husband’s child, it will be carried to term. If not, she’ll miscarry. Some will consider this harsh but, really, is it any more severe than Alabama’s requirement that a 14-year-old who is pregnant as the result of an incestuous rape carry her child to term?
2. When life begins: Let’s begin at the beginning. We know God “breathed life” into Adam. Enough with scientific inquiries and Roe’s outdated emphasis on the trimester system. Instead life begins when a newborn takes its first breath.
3. Penalty for abortion: We haven’t found any penalty for a self-induced abortion in the Bible, so that’s out. But the 21st chapter of Exodus does resolve what happens if a third party ends up causing an unwanted one. The father and the court agree on a fine and everyone moves on.
While we’re at it, Congress can add to death penalty offenses violation of the Sabbath. It was none less than Moses himself who ordered a person gathering wood on the sacred day to be stoned to death. (See the 15th chapter of Numbers for that gem.) It’s become clear that Making America Great Again means interpreting the Constitution just as Moses intended it. After all, as divine truths set forth by the all-knowing Texas State Board of Education reveal to us, Moses ranked foremost in the almighty Founders’ minds.
It wouldn’t be fair to leave the New Testament out of this entirely, so we propose Congress follow Jesus’ lead by outlawing divorce; directing the wealthy to sell all they own and give it to the poor; and banning public prayer. (Instead, as Jesus directed, it should be done in one’s closet.) Even perplexing questions such as who should be allowed to use which bathroom need no longer confound the Texas Legislature. We need only adopt Paul’s explanation that, in Christ, there is neither Greek nor Jew, nor male or female.
You want the truth? Neither of us has a uterus, but we both know our way around the Bible. We cannot possibly dictate how anyone manages her own body, or her faith for that matter, but we are confident that every woman has been granted the grace and wisdom to make her own choices for both. And you can quote us on that.