Using little but an ordinary time machine, I obtained this transcript of Donald Trump’s Aug. 8 resignation speech. Disclaimer: he (or Melania?) might have cribbed some of it from President Nixon.
“Good evening. I’m speaking to you from the Oval Office. It’s amazing. Not as nice as Trump Tower, but classy. Really classy. Every decision I’ve made here is the most important decision made in American history.
“All the decisions I’ve made have been made to help the economy, whether properties I own, or ones owned by ordinary Americans like Ivanka and Jared. To protect those interests, I wanted to stay your president for as long as possible, until one of my kids could take over when I retire.
“In the past few days, it has become evident the haters and losers in Congress are tired of winning. When I had support there, I was willing to see the impeachment process to the end, to prove they’re all morons. But keeping me from getting embarrassed is more important than anything the voters or the USA need. A lot of experts agree with me on that. From talking with members of Congress, I conclude I won’t have the votes to get anything passed. Not even sneaky, middle-of-the-night kind of stuff.
“If that wasn’t bad enough, I heard that Putin has sold a video to Netflix. Or maybe Amazon. Taken in a Moscow hotel room. Sad! Before any of you see that, let me remind you that Putin is a Muslim who was born in Kenya. Total loser. The video is fake news. Never happened. And my hands are a lot bigger than the camera shows. And that’s vodka they’re pouring on me. I mean not pouring on me. Pouring on someone else.
“I have never been a quitter. To leave office before my term is completed is abhorrent to every instinct in my body. My tremendous, very, very strong body. But I have to put my interests first. If I lose money, the economy goes down. And I pay fewer in taxes. Fewer than zero even.
“I can do better than be president. Bigger league things. So I get rid of the presidency at noon tomorrow. Mike Pardon will become president. I mean Pence. Mike Pence. I know I — I mean you — will be in his good hands. Not huge hands like mine, but somewhat big ones. He’s a good Christian man. The kind who will forgive and forget. Forgive even people who commit treason. A random example . . . say, having an enemy interfere in a presidential election in exchange for easing up a bit on sanctions. Mike’s a forgiving church person. He understands that’s not so much treason. It’s just alternate loyalties.
“If you have been offended by anything I have said or done, like having the hugest inauguration crowd in history, or keeping people who pray or look different from me getting in or staying in the USA, I deeply regret you are so easy to offend. If some of my judgments were wrong, well . . . they weren’t. I thank my family, friends in the FSB and Alex Jones for standing with me. Until yesterday. And to the haters and losers, I leave with no bitterness. I know you are just being selfish and calling it patriotism. I mean watch your back and stuff, but no big deal. Really. Try a good night of sleep.
“A lot of people are calling for some sort of monument to me to be built. It doesn’t matter to me. Whether the White House lawn. Or on top of the Capitol, or blocking the view of the Washington Monument. Any of those is good. Or all of them. I got no ego on this. Or Mount Rushmore too.
“I’ve never failed at anything and this is one of them. Like President Truman said, ‘The buck stops in my pocket.’ I pledge to keep doing what I have always done. Lining those pockets. Grabbing women by the poodle. The difference is you won’t get a news alert on your phone every time I do it. May God be good to you like he does for me every day.