As professional-grade liberal elitist snowflakes, it boils our blood to see so much ink spilled over how the left must learn to persuade Trump voters. Given that millions more voted for HRC than 45, we thought our thousands of conservative readers would be more interested in some intellectual jiu-jitsu techniques for bringing liberals to their knees. Just imagine a family holiday dinner where your typically-Trump-bashing third cousin instead begs forgiveness for the error of her ways and bids adieu by wishing you a Merry Christmas!

First, you can’t convert them if they can’t hear you. Outright tell them they’re wrong and they’ll shut down. You’ll trigger a neurological “double-down” response that actually reinforces their opinion. In fact, the more memes, YouTube videos and Hillary email references you hit them with, the more tightly they will cling to their facts and statistics. Be patient and set your traps carefully.

Second, persuasion comes in small steps, not big jumps. A minor point of agreement can form an argumentative foothold, and from there you’re just a few steps from complete capitulation. Start with the small and seemingly innocent: “Would you agree we should leave Gold Star families out of political debates?” Also avoid insistence on facts; focus on values. Their pig-headedness is driven by sincerely held but way outdated biases (e.g., all humans are created equal and what American heroes died fighting for actually was the freedom to criticize the government).

Consider the hot topic of climate change. It’s clearly ridiculous to connect decades of massive fossil-fuel combustion and associated pollution with damage to God’s green earth, but you’ll never get a libtard to recognize the patently obvious gullibility of their “facts” and “data.” So ask why they care so much about the planet. When they mention the future and their kids, change the subject to more fundamental American values such as Hillary’s email server and Benghazi.

Third, the mind follows the heart. It’s well established in psychology (and II Corinthians) that we search out facts to validate our feelings, not the other way around. Liberals are risen apes (versus conservatives being fallen angels) so don’t expect them to unemotionally evaluate information before forming an opinion. The war for the planet of these apes can be won if you take the time to strike the right emotional chord.

Case in point: immigration. Liberals see immigrants as ancestors, neighbors and economic contributors rather than the rapists, layabouts and terrorists you know them to be (excluding the ones who built your house, serve you at restaurants, invent things and create high-tech jobs). Don’t get trapped in a statistical debate; numbers tend to be sad! and untrustworthy by their very nature, given that much of modern mathematics can be traced to the golden age of Islam. Dodge the data and instead ask your Democrap friend something more basic like, “Why do you hate America?” While immigrants don’t commit crimes at a higher rate than people like you, don’t let that stop you from saying something like, “But what about that Mexican that killed that lady?”

Techniques like these will engage your sheeple friends and activate their emotions. They’ll finally call you a bigot. You can calmly respond with an “LOL” and note how liberals always resort to name-calling. Bam. The planet is yours. Wait...you’ve tried all of the preceding and none of it worked? OK, down at the very bottom of our bag of secrets tricks we have one last card to play: numb the numbskulls. In military jargon, this is known as a war of attrition. Sort of like what that liberal Taliban is trying to do to us in Afghanistan, or that God-hating, Prius-driving defeatocrat ISIS seeks to do to us on the seven largest continents.

Numbing is as simple as constantly changing the subject. Follow the lead of the Russian bots on this one. For example, if a liberal asks, “Did Trump’s recklessness contribute to Special Forces Sgt. Johnson’s death in Niger?”, respond by posting, “Patriots don’t question Generals!” If that doesn’t work, shift to posting a lie about McCain having been pardoned by Nixon. The Willywonk tree-sniffer pastry-eater crowd is so addicted to facts that this eventually will drive them insane. You will know you’ve won when they declare they are “taking a break” from social media or pledge to “never again” argue with a Trumpist, or give up posting about anything but kittens who can play the piano and lounging labradoodles. Victory! One down and only 2.999999 million to go.

David Gallagher is a transplanted Texan, living and working in London and tweeting @TBoneGallagher. David Schleicher is an attorney who splits his time between Waco, D.C. and Houston, tweeting @TheContranym.