Kelso: Will I lose Bubba credentials over a pedicure?

AUSTIN, Texas — I hate to admit it, but I might be the only guy in Austin who went out and got a pedicure on Super Bowl Sunday.

In 61 years of living, I had never had a pedicure. On the other hand, I have never lodged an ear of corn sideways in my nose, either.

But after it was suggested by my new wife, Kay, and my newly acquired teenage daughter, Rachel, that I go in with them to get my toes worked over, I said, what the heck; it beats a caning. Besides, it was Rachel's 15th birthday.

Oh, I should mention that I explained to the two of them that if I had to miss the Super Bowl because I was getting a pedicure, I would have to kill myself.

Yes, this is ruining my reputation.

"Kelso, turn in your Bubba credentials," one editor here said.

"He's a metrosexual now," said another.

"Where are your flip-flops?" asked yet another.

The first thing you do when you walk into the Tips & Toes Day Spa, around the corner from the South Austin Central Market, is pick out the color you want for your toenails. After reading the names of the colors on the bottoms of the tiny bottles, I decided not to pick a color. I'm not paying $25 to have somebody paint my toes Treat Me Like a Queen, How Lola Can U Go or Fee Fi Fo Plum.

I should also mention that I was the only guy customer in this joint on Super Bowl Sunday.

By the way, for $30 you can get your back waxed. I don't want my back waxed. What do I look like? An Albertson's cucumber?

After you pick your colors, you sit in this big squishy vibrating chair that comes with a remote control, but it unfortunately doesn't run the TV set. I guess I don't need to mention that when we walked in, they didn't have any of the pre-game Super Bowl stuff on the TV. They probably watch the Estrogen Network.

"Are you going to have the game on later?" I asked one of the toe guys working in the joint. He didn't even look up. I might as well have asked him, "Are you going to have yourself dipped in shellac and fired out of a cannon?"

On the chair remote control, instead of "volume" and "channel," they have functions such as "Back Kneading" and "Seat Vibration." 'Scuse me, but I got enough seat vibration going on naturally without having to add on with power-driven furniture.

After you get settled, you take off your shoes and stick your feet in a little whirlpool. That's when Rachel began pointing out how ugly the middle toe on my right foot is.

"Kelso, what's wrong with that toenail? It looks like the commercial for Lamisil with the little bugs," she said.

Listen, kid, while you're up, pull real hard on this finger.

I thought it was significant when the woman named Mimi who worked on my feet began talking to a toenail colleague in a foreign language, perhaps Korean. I suspect what Mimi was saying was, "I think we should cut off this foot and ship it to that funny body parts museum in Philadelphia."

Mimi sanded a lot of stuff off my feet, though.

"Kelso, if only you could see from the angle I'm seeing how much stuff is coming off your foot," Rachel said. "They say there are no white Christmases in Austin, but Kelso's foot just caused one."

"Think there's enough there for a pillow?" I asked Rachel.

Then I went home, put my scraped feet up, drank about 87 beers and watched the Super Bowl. But I don't think I'll get another pedicure until I'm about 112.

John Kelso writes for the Austin American-Statesman. E-mail: jkelso AT statesman.com