Home > Chef Oz: Inside the CIA > Archives > 2009 > October > 04 > Entry
Food Porn Illness
I want you to think of a four-letter word—a dirty word that starts with an eff. Did you know that’s how you’re supposed to spell F? Well it is. Why in the aitch ee double hockey sticks am I asking you this? I’m just trying to get your brain juices working with this little riddle, that’s all. Let’s spell it out together: Eff-Oh, Oh,—Dee cat is outta dee bag, I’m talking about the “food” word.
Scratching your head yet? I know. It seems really odd to think about something as basic to existence as food in the same breath as something basically dirty, and I mean dirty in terms of obscenity kind of dirty and not encrusted with soil kind of dirty, although much of what we eat is. But there it is. There’s been much press of late linking, via the hyphen, two words; food, which we recognize as necessary for sustaining life, and porn, which by definition has no prurient value, to form the relatively newly coined term, “food-porn.” If people choose to use this type of language the spelling should be altered to read F!#$%@&D-Porn. That would alert the reader that what they were about to mentally digest would not be suitable for those under the age of consent, and would not make suitable bedtime stories or proper television viewing for your average third-grader. I’m of the old-school opinion that children should be obscene and not heard. That way they won’t get their mouths washed out with soap like many of my childhood contemporaries did for saying stuff they shouldn’t have loud enough for an adult to hear. I don’t think Dr. Spock approved of washing out the foul mouths of babes with soap. I guess we got that from Mr. Spock, before he got that M.D., back before he was even on Star Trek, much less an expert on raising kids. He had just hit Vulcan puberty, and his Vulcan hormones were raging, and he wasn’t thinking about what he was Vulcan saying, and his mom told him he better watch his mother Vulcan tongue. Of course he didn’t, she washed his mouth out with Lava, the only soap on the whole Vulcan planet, and he never smiled again. But I digress. I’m confusing TV with reality and coming up with the ultimate oxymoron; reality TV.
That’s where this whole food-porn thing got started—The Food Network. How this came to be is a story we’ll explore a little later in the monologue, but first we need some background to tease out the common threads that link and bind the two disparate words together. Let’s do porn first. Porn, pornography, pornographic material, all involve, at the most basic level, ess-ee—double or triple ex. So how does the one thing that ensures the continuation of human life transmogrify into the realm of porn? I’ll just make some general observations. Aside from the obvious porn is about exaggeration. It’s like WWF—unreal, a caricature. real people don’t look anything like porn stars or show much inclination toward that type of sex-at-the-drop-of-a-hat behavior. Porn, while titillating at best and obscenely disgusting at worst, is ultimately empty—there can be no real satisfaction taken from it. It is something to be observed, usually visually, that carries with it a certain element of shame, naughtiness, and guilt. Therefore it is something to be viewed privately so that no one will know the level of our depravity.
Shocking but true, we can say the exact same things about many of the food programs that are so popular today. Exaggerated—yep. No basis in reality—check. Titillating—you bet. Naughty/guilty—naturally. Viewed privately—in many cases, yes. Empty? So far no one has come up with a virtual menu that you can actually experience with any sense other than sight. Smell-a-vision would be a real money maker, though. I’m reminded of the Weight Watchers prayer of thanksgiving, “For this food we cannot eat we thank thee, oh Lord,” but at least we can lust after those tasty calories that keep us glued to the tube while we munch on a cardboard air biscuit or drool over an open bag of genetically modified corn chips that are treated to pass right on through without depositing any fat along the way and garnished insanely with highly processed cheese dip which carries a low-fat label. Like porn of the sexual variety, it’s about eye-candy and lusting over that which we know we can never have or experience because in reality it just doesn’t exist for us. Many of us would rather watch than do, view than chew. So there’s the big criticism aimed at food shows. Nobody actually gets off the couch and into the kitchen—that would require effort, expertise, and time, all of which are commodities that are in short supply. So to nutshell it for you, food becomes porn when it represents a twisted ideal that is far beyond the reach of all but the most highly skilled, trained, and motivated food professionals. The between the lines message is, “Don’t try this at home.”
I suppose you could technically classify many of the coffee table variety of beautifully photographed cookbooks under the “food-porn” banner as well. Many of these expensive tomes contain recipes made with impossible to get and expensive ingredients and are prepared by extraordinarily gifted kitchen artists to such unattainable exacting standards that the only experiential mode most of us could hope to grasp is the acknowledgment of the artfulness and the admission of lust. Eye candy once again—nothing more. But there are those of us who actually glean inspiration from such books. So the argument can be made that one man’s porn is another man’s play book. This notion implies that when we actually choose to participate and activate, the dirty connotations evaporate.
Obscenity is in the eye of the beholder and is almost impossible to define—another twist on cliché that applies to our subject matter here. There can be no real discussion of “porn,” food-porn or otherwise, without giving some thought or mention to its connection to obscenity. Undaunted by the inability to arrive at a hard-core definition of hard-core, Supreme Court Justice, Potter Stewart, said of obscenity back in 1964 that, “I know it when I see it.” Well, in a much broader context than the pretty coffee table cookbooks or this season’s hot show on the Food Network, I’m seeing obscenities in almost every nook and cranny of America’s food supply. I’m seeing things I wish I didn’t know, but we’ll save some of that for a future posting. Meanwhile, are you getting the same kind of stinky whiff that I am? What do you think about all of this? I hope this rant will inspire some discussion, so let me hear from you. Until then, as we say in the bidness, “Chow.”
Comments
By Ruan Pearson
October 6, 2009 10:22 AM | Link to this
oz— you are a natural when it comes to food writing! verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry creative. and funny.
By Chef Oz
October 7, 2009 9:26 PM | Link to this
Howdy there Ruan— Glad that posting was good for a chuckle. There’s so much to this whole notion of “food-porn,” and I barely even scratched the surface. What do you think about it? What strikes you as obscene when it comes to food? What would you change or do differently? Let’s get some discussion going. And thanks for your support. I’ll be running for guv-nah soon on the Meal Ticket. If elected I pledge to put some pot in every chicken.
By Ruan Pearson
October 8, 2009 10:22 AM | Link to this
I can’t help it. I LOVE food porn. My latest guilty pleasure is the Reatta cookbook (from the Reatta restaurant in Fort Worth). I think most of the American cooking shows are pretty fair…doable. You know wha-tall shortcuts are out there, you hawked them at heb. Anybody can be a good cook with a little help and store-bought demi-glace. If only I had a Central Market, I would be so fine………….sigh.
By julie jordon
October 12, 2009 12:42 PM | Link to this
chef osborne ,dream on …..you and dr. oz cannot be compared. dr.Oz is a doctor. you have diaharrea of the mouth. no doub t the waco trib is paying per word otherwise how else could you k support yourself in NYC? Food PORN? I think not . you are just a long winded joker in the Big City with nothing more to do than ramble on .
By Chance Bajer
October 12, 2009 5:06 PM | Link to this
Chef Osborne…Are you really a chef taking a refresher course or are you attending CIA hoping to become a chef or maybe think Iron Chef is right around the corner. Mighty high hopes for a grocery clerk with a gift of gab…
By Chef Oz
October 13, 2009 8:14 AM | Link to this
Julie, Julie, Julie—- Too much caffeine in the morning making you jittery? Who is this Dr. Oz guy anyway? To answer one of your barbs, there is no financial recompense for community bloggers. Our only reward is the blissful interaction with readers like you. Is there something in this piece you find objectionable? If so, I’d be happy to discuss it with you. Touche.
By chef Oz
October 13, 2009 12:28 PM | Link to this
Howdy there, Chance— No, I’m not a real chef. I just play one on TV, but I did stay in a Holiday Inn Express last night!
By Dr. Broton Flagellan
October 14, 2009 8:29 AM | Link to this
Whenever I suffer from diaha-ha-ha-rreaaaaah of the mouth I just gargle some lomotil—does the trick every time. Another possible cure for chronic big mouth was discovered quite by accident when I mistook my Preparation-H for chapstick. My mouth was so tiny I had to drink through a straw for a week. Try that, take two aspirins, and call me in the morning.
By jim jones
October 15, 2009 11:53 AM | Link to this
This talk about food porn makes me think of an idea for a book I had once. It was called; How to Cook Your Way into Her Pants. I eventually changed my mind and got a real job like most adults do.
By Chef Oz
October 16, 2009 8:19 AM | Link to this
Now, now, Jim. Are you absolutely positive YOU had that book idea? Tell the truth. How do you define “real job” and “adult?” Did all that real adult stuff make you happy? Should we call you Mr. Happy? Inquiring minds want to know.
By ciara lopez
October 16, 2009 3:44 PM | Link to this
oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice do deceive………… We Wacoans have so much pride dr sloan, their tasty waco water and last but not least that old boy who thinks he will soon replace the cook at the local greasy spoon.
By jim jones
October 16, 2009 9:06 PM | Link to this
Oz, thank you for responding to my comment. I think adult means supporting yourself and dealing with responsibility.
Real job…hmmmm, if I just had a rich girlfriend I could shlup around and pretend like I’m important..
By Chef Oz
October 17, 2009 4:28 PM | Link to this
Dear Jim, I can’t decide which of my ex-wives you remind me of the most. Keep those cards and letters coming in and thanks for reading my stuff.
By Matthew Hunt
October 18, 2009 1:30 AM | Link to this
Oz,
You hit on an interesting topic. I have to admit that I was unfamiliar with the term “food-porn” until I stumbled onto a late-night airing of an Anthony Bourdain show in which he took chef friends down the dark alley of extravagant, must-have foods for foodies. (The show was titled, “Food Porn”, of course.) What one could discern, though, is that his term could mean simply, “the best experience, food-wise, that you could find”.
It was interesting to note that he and another famous chef were sitting and chatting about the topic and they both had two “gotta have” or “just love it” picks. The chef? His pick was McDonald’s Chicken McNuggets! Bourdain? His was the Colonel’s electric-orange Mac ‘n Cheese!
Does that fit into the idea of food-porn as impossible-to-replicate recipes or recipes that use ingredients that one has to search the heart of an African jungle to find? Nah… it fits the idea of food that gives you the warm fuzzies. Food that creates that endorphine rush that only food can… summoning memories of happiness and tastes of familiarity.
BUT… and there’s always one of those… the trend wherein TV cooks “throw together” dishes with ingredients that nobody can find or using kitchen gear that nobody owns is indeed ridiculous. It makes the people who cook at home and who take some pride in their accomplishments annoyed - to say the least. I remember Jeff Smith’s show, “The Frugal Gourmet”. (Heck, is it OK to mention him now? Too soon?) Both his shows and his books began to suffer from the use of exotic ingredients that you just couldn’t get. The recipes leapt forward into the realm of “untouchable” for those who watched. Nobody would get off the couch and attempt his recipes because you just couldn’t get the things to duplicate the experience.
In Bourdain’s defense, he covered the show from the chef angle. These are guys, like you, who live that world. You have the expertise and the access to conjure great things. He attempted to show where the chefs would sneak off to… to get the best they can stuff themselves with… what they considered food-porn as the ultimate foodies.
However, all of this food-porn stuff can be looked at as inspiration for those of us who cook. I have a better-half who loves to eat. I would dare say her life merrily revolves around her next meal. That’s a great match for a guy like me who loves to cook and to plate a meal for someone else… and to see them delight in the food. I watch a few shows here and there and truly do look at the extravagant things they do and draw from them to plan out my next triumph.
I like to cook. I like to learn from those who cook well. I then like to share what I learn with those I love.
So, I say, “Bring on the food-porn! Show us the best and the most extravagant you have!” I’ll take what you show me and make it my own… then serve it to my friends and family and drink a good wine!
BUT… (see, there’s another one!)… if I have to charter an expedition to a remote island to get the ingredients, forget it… The internet makes it easier these days… but not always.
FWIW, my “food-porn” recipe that curls my toes and gives me the warm fuzzies is a Beef Burgundy (notice, no fancy French version of the name!) that my mother makes based on a tattered old recipe she tore out of a magazine years and years ago… using off-the-shelf, everyday items. It tastes freakin’ wonderful and makes me happy!
By Chef Oz
October 18, 2009 11:17 AM | Link to this
Dear Matt, Thanks for your insightful commentary. That’s exactly what I would like to see in the comments section of this blog. You’ve got a good handle on the subject matter, and I really agree with your viewpoint. I think the direction I’ll take in a couple of future postings will focus more on the obscenities visited upon the food consumer by BIG FOOD in all its ugly manifestations. That, to me, is the real food porn out there. Thanks for eading and participating. Keep those comments coming—good stuff—very good stuff.
By TJ
October 19, 2009 2:15 PM | Link to this
My notion of “food porn” is tantilizing yourself with wicked stuff no sane human has any business eating. One time, when I was trying to lose some weight before radical weight loss surgery, the newsroom ordered some pizza for a “brown bag” seminar. As we munched on it, someone mentioned that this particular chain had just come up with an “oreo-cookie topped cookie ‘pizza’ ” you could order at the same time as the hot pizza. “Why don’t you just put a gun to your head and get it over with?” I thought, sarcastically. When I looked up from my plate (with the thin crust, veggie pizza they ordered on my behalf) I realized: “Did I just say that out loud?” Pizza-sized cookie topped with another cookie? Food Porn. Deep-fried chunks of frozen butter? Food Porn Twinkies dipped in chocolate, rolled in nuts and topped with raspberry jelly? Food Porn …
By Ruan Pearson
October 20, 2009 9:21 AM | Link to this
oz—keep stirring the pot. i love all those comments! especially matt’s.
By Chef Oz
October 20, 2009 9:42 PM | Link to this
Thanks, Ruan and TJ, for your comments. That’s my job—pot stirrer. Hey, if you want to check out some real food porn web sites google this guy in NYC, wylie dufresne at WD50 (that’s his restaurant), or look up this Spanish guy, Feran Adria. These two are the current kingpins of a movement called molecular gastronomy and it is hell out food porn to the nth degree. They’re doing stuff with food that is startling, artistic, fun, and delicious, but it kind of leaves me scratching my head and asking why? Check it out and get back to me.
By Chef Oz
October 20, 2009 9:42 PM | Link to this
Thanks, Ruan and TJ, for your comments. That’s my job—pot stirrer. Hey, if you want to check out some real food porn web sites google this guy in NYC, wylie dufresne at WD50 (that’s his restaurant), or look up this Spanish guy, Feran Adria. These two are the current kingpins of a movement called molecular gastronomy and it is hell out food porn to the nth degree. They’re doing stuff with food that is startling, artistic, fun, and delicious, but it kind of leaves me scratching my head and asking why? Check it out and get back to me.
By TJ
October 27, 2009 4:06 PM | Link to this
Discovered a new food porn item just today: Taco Bueno in Waco is offering a bacon cheeseburger taco (in a fried, wheat flour tortilla)that is two great (and awful for ya) tastes in one wicked dish.
By Billy Pool
October 28, 2009 4:14 PM | Link to this
Hey “Cooking Man” : just wanted to say hi and I check into the Trib so see your comments: Great! You get a line, I’ll get a pole?
Billy
By Chef Oz
October 29, 2009 7:15 PM | Link to this
Howdy there Billy, Yep I’m still alive and kickin’ in the Hudson Valley. Thanks for reading and say hello to your bride.
By Robin Bennett
October 31, 2009 6:26 PM | Link to this
In an attempt to get away from the Food Porn which is common Waco fair (due respect to the great Waco Chefs of a similar ilk)tomorrow I am going to cook a free range chicken using “four”simple but quality ingredients. These ingredients are designed to enhance the bird, but not to overwhelm its flavor in any way.
The quaternity is Celtic Sea Salt (wonderful flavor, rich in Iodine and relatively low in Sodium making it healthful and a far cry from the adulterated salts that we find in most pantry’s), fresh peppercorns that will be lightly roasted to release the aromatic oils before being ground in my spice mill, a quality olive oil (one that could be enjoyed out of a snifter) and finally fresh sage that I will shiffanade and use judiciously as it is a powerful spice, but wonderful with foul. I will use all these ingredients combined as a rub. The bird’s skin will be flash sauteed to crisp the skin and then baked in the usual fashion and basted with juices and olive oil. Simple…No Porn.
By Chef Oz
November 1, 2009 8:07 AM | Link to this
That’s the spirit, Robin. One of the signs that good cook status has been achieved is the ability to properly roast a chicken—so simple, so satisfying, yet so out of reach to so many. When you figure out the method you will eschew chewing on those storebought roasted birds. Here’s the method I like to use: Preheat your oven to 425F. Heat a 10-inch cast iron skillet over medium-high. Season and truss the chicken with kitchen twine. Melt a little chicken fat from the fresh chicken in the skillet. Place the chicken in the hot skillet, back down—legs pointed away from the skillet handle. Let the bird sizzle a couple minutes on the stovetop and then pop it in the oven. If you have correctly positioned the bird in the pan, the legs will be at the back of the oven. This is good because it’s hotter in the back and dark meat takes longer to cook than white meat. Set the timer for 1 hour. Baste the bird every 20 minutes with the pan juices. Test for doneness with an instant read thermometer—155F to 160F. Allow the bird to rest for 20 minutes before carving. I place the chicken on a platter breast side down and place an inverted saucer under the legs to elevate them slightly. This allows juices to flow into the breast meat. While the bird rests you can make a lovely sauce from the pan drippings.