Home > Keep It In Mind > Archives > 2008 > April > 15 > Entry
MY LESSON IN TOUGH LOVE: A GIFT FROM MY FATHER.
My eleven year old granddaughter asked me what tough love meant during her recent visit at our home. She had heard me use the term during my conversation with her parents, my son and daughter in law, so I told her the following true story about me, and my father, her great grandfather, who died over twenty years ago.
The story took place after my father received my grades from the university that I attended and which he paid for with money that he struggled to earn during a particularly difficult financial time in our family history. My father told me when I started college that he would pay for my education if I would show him that I deserved the hardship and sacrifice placed on the rest of the family in order to pay for college. My high school academic preparation was not adequate for the rigors of college, and I struggled during the first year of college to catch up with the students in my classes who had better preparation. By the end of my freshman year, my grades had been mediocre but I had developed the study skills that were necessary to compete with the other students in my classes. My father said that he and my mother felt that the first year effort I made was good and he was satisfied for me to go back to college for my second year. He added that he and my mother expected better grades during my second year in school and that they were willing to continue to make the financial sacrifice for me to continue college.
I entered my second year of study with good intentions and confidence that I could make decent grades but, alas, my attention was diverted to fun and frivolity in the form of young ladies, pledging a fraternity and a life style epitomized by the movie Animal House. At the end of the first semester of my sophomore year my grades had nosedived from mediocre to the bottom of the barrel. My father pointed out that the road I was on had prevented me from keeping my end of the bargain and that if my errant ways were not corrected by the end of my sophomore year I would no longer receive his financial support. The ignorance of my youth continued to lead me down the garden path of hedonism resulting in a grade point average that landed me on scholastic probation. True to his word, my father discontinued funding my party animal lifestyle and I was on my own. In order to continue my education it was necessary for me to have three part time jobs, disassociate myself from the lifestyle of the good time Charlies and begin working like a Trojan to make things work. Lo and behold, my grades went from horrible to terrific and I won several small scholarships for most improved student. Most importantly, however, was my emergence as an adult with a new set of values and different perspective as to why I was in college. The rest as they say is history as my grades and goals never wavered from this new direction which was a direct result of my fathers tough love approach at this critical point in my life. I have shared this story with many parents and college students during my years of practice and sharing it with my granddaughter reminded me again of the debt of gratitude that I will always owe to my father for dishing out a healthy dose of tough love when I needed it badly.
Do you bloggers have any stories of TOUGH LOVE that you would share with the rest of us on this blogsite?
MENTAL HEALTH THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Sometimes tough times can build character, self- discipline and self- esteem. Good parenting skills require many different approaches, always with unconditional love but sometimes with tough love.
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By cantw82leave
April 16, 2008 1:13 PM | Link to this | Report comment abuse
I came from a “financially challenged” family, but also a family whose motto was “i didn’t go to college so you don’t need to either, so if you want to go, you’re on on your own.” And so I was. I attended a small private school in SW Missouri that was a “work college”. Every student works 15 hrs a week and 3 40 hr “work weeks” throughout the semester to pay for his/her education. I didn’t completely appreciate it as there were other strings attached that I wasn’t so hip on (like attending church services) but at the end of 3 years I was a junior in college and owed $0. When I finished my Sr. year at a state school, I was shocked at how much I owed. For just one year! I paid my entire way thru college with absolutely no help or support from family (a whole other story) and I have to say that while I think saving for your kid’s education is admirable, it doesn’t hurt said kid to help pay some of his/her own expenses either, they will certainly appreciate it more.
By Ann Pennington
April 18, 2008 8:38 PM | Link to this | Report comment abuse
Hap, thank you for responding to your father’s act of “tough love.” Your wisdom and insight make you a real gift to this community. God’s blessings on you as you continue to help people attain wholeness and integrity.
By Hap LeCrone
April 18, 2008 9:50 PM | Link to this | Report comment abuse
Thanks Ann, These kind words coming from you is very special.We all appreciate your intellect, devotion, hard work and professional contribution to this community.
By Eileen
December 21, 2008 2:51 PM | Link to this | Report comment abuse
Dear Hap,
I am a parent of 3 adult boys, 2 of which are loving and responsible young men. The middle one, is and has always been, difficult to say the least…However, he and I have always had a very dependant relationship…I see all that he does wrong, and condones his awful behaviour in stead of telling him that it is not right. He recently dated , got ingaged, and broke up, with a young lady who I had dearly loved and treated as my own for 15 years…their relationship, was the nastiest and most hatful thing I have withnessed in a long time, and never with any of my kids….So after 4 months of her totally out of our lives, which is fine with the whole family, I have reason to believe they are dating again, with neither of them getting any counselling or help for their many issues…so no improvements made for them as a couple or indiviually…she also has a child,… no parenting classes done either… She wants to be my “friend like we were before” and can’t understand how we can’t be girfriends as long as she is in a total relationship and lying to me constantly about it…he is just lying to me at every turn….how do i do this tough love thing…I want her out of all of our lives, including his… they are bruttal with each other…. and he is obsessed about her….and won’t think of getting the help he needs…i need to know how to get thru day by day… without him in our lives…i worry constantly for his mental health and safety… and truly want him out of my mind for a while….also is it true… that if i do this tough love thing , that they will come back to us. I would truly miss him…and just want everyone to get along without being on guard all the time…? help me please!
By Hap
December 23, 2008 2:09 PM | Link to this | Report comment abuse
Dear Eileen, Your situation sounds very complex and therefore I am hesitant to make any suggestions online. Perhaps you yourself would benefit from professional counseling to assist you in making these “tough” decisions for you and your family. Good luck to you, Hap
By Cynthia Robinson
April 28, 2009 10:26 AM | Link to this | Report comment abuse
Would you touch on a Psychological Autopsy? I can’t understand why McGregor PD wouldn’t want to make a case, since they didn’t investigate my son’s suspicious death from the beginning? Joshua showed no suicidal gestures, wasn’t depressed, wasn’t on prescription drugs, and no drugs/alcohol was found in this system. He was seen around town talking to friends, making plans for picking up a new puppy and an anniversary party on the weekend….so how can McGregor PD presume his death was a suicide, especially since there is no etiological specific disease/injury to attribute to his death!? americaiswatching (dot) org (Joshua Robinson) attached documents.