Movie Sequels of 2010

By Randy Fiedler

I’ve been seeing a lot of articles lately previewing some of the new movies that will be coming to theaters next year. A lot of these sequels have already received a fair amount of advance publicity, but here’s a few sequels that you might miss next year if you’re not quick enough.

Saw VII -- They’re apparently having a hard time coming up with fresh new ways to torture people on screen, so for this, the franchise’s seventh outing, the producers have decided to go retro and introduce “classic” torture methods such as dragging fingernails down blackboards, scraping forks across plates, walking across a carpet laden with static electricity and touching a metal doorknob, and forcing someone to watch two hours worth of Wiggles videos.

Undie Hard -- This is not a movie about the difficulty of putting on underwear, but instead the latest addition to the successful “Die Hard” movie franchise. In this installment, a gang of malevolent vampires intent on taking over the United States government have kidnapped the President, Speaker of the House and other high officials. They promise to bite one hostage every 30 minutes until their demands are met, but hero Bruce Willis, who happens to be touring the White House when the President is taken, has other plans for the vampires. (The unofficial title of this movie was rumored to be “Die Hard V: Bloodsuckers Eat Their Own.”)

ET II -- In this environmentally sensitive sequel, funded by the Sierra Club and produced by Al Gore, loveable extraterrestrial ET is able to sense that Earth, the planet the squat little gardener visited briefly during the first movie, is in danger of destroying itself through human-induced climate change. So, ET and a number of his alien friends travel to Earth to help. Evil Republican politicians, one looking uncannily like Sarah Palin, try to thwart the brave alien rescuers at every turn, but eventually ET is able to make a device from a few bicycle tires, an iPod and an umbrella that dissipates the noxious gases in the atmosphere, cools the planet back to optimal temperatures and paves the way for Democrats to win all their Congressional elections in 2010.

Rocky’s Rockin’ Chair (Rocky VII) -- Ex-champion boxer Rocky Balboa is now living out his final days in the Days O’ Rest assisted living facility in Secaucus, New Jersey. Life is good until one of Rocky’s old rivals, a vicious boxer named Venus de Maulo living in the Last Roundup Retirement Camp across town, challenges him to a contest to see which facility will win a 52” flat screen TV for their rec room, paid for by federal bailout funds. The contest they agree on is an off-road wheelchair race, which Rocky trains for with the help of Duke, Paulie and his son, Rocky Jr. Despite getting food poisoning the night before the race after Venus laces the cafeteria meatloaf with bacteria, Rocky manages to show up to compete and prevails to wheel his chair over the finish line and earn a well-deserved nap.

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