The Friday Five

By Randy Fiedler

Here’s this week’s Friday Five.



A real doorbell saver



It seems that there are more and more people these days going door-to-door with commercial or religious requests. This system seems inefficient for the providers, and it causes homeowners to have to answer the door more often. Couldn’t we streamline this a bit? There should be a company out there which provides trained door-to-door representatives. Various businesses and religions could then employ this company to have their pitch included in the representative’s visit. It would be sort of a one-stop-shopping idea that would work something like this:



SALESMAN: Hello, ma’am, I’m a representative of Acme Door-to-Door Services. Would you be interested in having someone cut and trim your lawn?



WOMAN: No.



SALESMAN: Then could I interest you in some tasty Girl Scout cookies?



WOMAN: No.



SALESMAN: Can I ask if you know if you’re going to heaven? I have a free brochure that will help you find out.



WOMAN: No, thank you.



SALESMAN: Would you consider voting for Joe Jones in the next city council election?



WOMAN: I’ll think about it.



SALESMAN: You know, I’ll bet you’d like some nice Christmas wrapping paper. It benefits the junior high chess club.



WOMAN: I’ve got all the wrapping paper I need.



SALESMAN: What about an inexpensive magazine subscription? We have a year of Earwax Collectors Monthly for $7.95, or a two-year subscription to Paula Deen's Gristle Kitchen for just $9.95.



WOMAN: No more magazines.



SALESMAN: But what about some tasty chocolate chip cookie dough? It’s for the elementary school playground expansion fund.



WOMAN: Okay, I’ll go for that.



SALESMAN: Great! By the way, here’s your new phone book.



WOMAN: Thanks.



The representative could also ask Census questions, hand out product samples and offer to paint house numbers on the front curb. These guys would be trained and insured. People could get all of this out of the way in one simple visit. I think this could work.



Ocho is enough



I was out at a local Mexican food restaurant last week, and as I looked at order after order being delivered to the table, I had an epiphany. About 95 percent of all Mexican food, it seems to me, is a combination of eight basic components -- cheese, flour, corn, chicken, beef, beans, rice and peppers. Even though people were ordering different dishes, we were all getting slightly different variations of the same meal. Burritos? Beef or chicken and cheese wrapped in a flour tortilla (served with beans and rice). Flautas? Beef or chicken and cheese wrapped in a flour tortilla and fried (served with beans and rice). Quesadillas? Beef or chicken put between two flour tortillas with cheese and cut into triangular sections (served with beans and rice). Enchiladas? Beef or chicken wrapped in corn tortillas and covered in cheese (served with -- well, you know). And so it goes.



Grocery shopping down in Mexico must be so easy. You walk in the store , and there are only a few aisles - one for meat, one for beans, one for rice, one for tortillas, one for cheese and one for peppers and spices. That’s it, except for a small “specialty section” with exceptions to the eight-ingredient hall of fame, such as pork, shrimp or eggs.



They have strict zoning there, too



I know the trend in churches nowadays is to chuck the old denominational name, even when affiliated with a denomination, so as to put a more user-friendly face on things. But why do so many nondenominational churches these days choose names that sound like the names given to upscale subdivisions? Some examples of real-life churches I can think of include Saddleback, Willow Creek, Lakewood, Stonegate, Crossroads, Ridgeview, Countryside, Cross Points, Harmony Vineyard, Heartland, Cross Timbers, Stonebriar, Shadow Mountain and Rolling Hills. It gets me to thinking, will heaven have a golf course and country club that members can use for a modest maintenance fee?



Duh-oh



One sure sign that my brain is crammed with too many distractions -- I come to work one morning this week and stand outside my office, absentmindedly clicking the button on the automobile controls on my key ring, as if that would unlock the door.



Today’s quote:

“The New Yorker’s [fact] checkers are justly renowned for their tenacious skepticism, but even they err sometimes. One reader was annoyed to find himself described as dead, and requested a correction in the next issue. Unfortunately, by the time the correction appeared, he really had died, thus compounding the error.” -- from “Facts, Errors and the Kindle” in Intelligent Life magazine, autumn 2009

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